She drove to my office from a hotel, where she had spent the last couple of nights. With tears she said,
“I just found out that my husband has been viewing pornography for our entire marriage. We have been married three years and I feel devastated, scared and betrayed. The more I find out and the more I think about it the more angry and sick I become.“
“What can I do to help myself, my husband and our marriage?”
BEGIN WITH YOURSELF
LEARN WHAT TO EXPECT.
Here is your road map of what to expect after discovering your husband’s porn use. These five stages may not occur in this exact order and may even overlap. It’s been my experience these stages are How a normal wife adjusts to her husband’s porn problem.
1. Denial and Isolation NOT ME, COULDN’T BE
It’s takes time for a wife to discover how serious her husband’s porn problem might be, often years. In our LDS culture we so badly want the “Celestial Marriage and Family” that we overlook the obvious signals of porn addiction along the way. (See: Behavioral Changes In Pornography Users) Denial of his porn problem is so much more easier than admitting.
For many women the first reaction is “leave him“. Wanting to get “away” is normal. There is so much to think about and so many decisions to make. Perhaps you or him go to a hotel or parents’ house for awhile. Or better yet let him sleep in the spare bedroom downstairs. After all, you can no longer confide in him your deepest feelings. You have been betrayed. Emotional detachment will occur because “the intimacy of your relationship has been violated.”
2. Anger YOU ARE GOING TO BE REAL ANGRY!
When you no longer deny your husband has a porn problem you will experience anger at a new high. Why? Because pornography tears at the very thread of being a woman and femininity. Only porn can uproot your “Celestial Family” and “Eternity” in a matter of seconds.
You’ll be angry…
…at him. You may have the thought “I could kill him!” I understand you really wouldn’t do that and that it is a reflection of your pain.
Your Dreams of “Being One” with him in the Celestial Kingdom are temporarily on hold.
Your eternal marriage is no longer eternal.
3. Bargaining YOU’LL BE THINKING AND DOING SOME CRAZY THINGS
It’s inevitable. Once you discover your husband has a porn addiction the questions and second guessing will race through your mind-
…Why did I even marry him? Remember while dating he told you he “used to have a porn problem when he was younger.” “Why didn’t I pay more attention?”
…Why didn’t we go to counseling then? For years it was obvious he had ED.
…If only I wouldn’t have ignored it? Remember, “The one time I caught him on his cell phone looking at porn.”
…You may even contact an old boyfriend on Facebook. “Is it wrong to want him to hurt as bad as I do?”
… Having accepted the myth “All men view porn once in awhile -It’s not a big deal.”
… All those times he promised… not to do it again.
etc etc
Some of these behaviors and statements you’ll keep to yourself. You may wonder “What is happening to me? Am I going crazy?” Secretly, you may make a deal with God in an attempt to postpone dealing with the fact -“My husband has a porn addiction.” You will likely find yourself pleading with all your heart -like never before “Please God… anything but this. Please I can’t deal with this…I’ll do anything…”
4. Depression THIS IS GOING TO HURT 🙁
Sexual misconduct of a loved one hurts. God knows.
“For behold I the Lord have seen the sorrow and heard the mourning of the daughters of my people…because of the wickedness and abominations of their husbands” (Jacob 2:31). Jacob said to the husbands “warning them against fornication and lasciviousness” (Jacob 3:12) and sexual sin-certainly to include addiction to pornography. He explained, “Ye have broken the hearts of your tender wives and lost the confidence of you children because of your bad examples before them and the sobbings of their hearts ascend up to God against you….” (Jacob 2:35)
So certainly it’s okay to cry, to feel devastated. That’s normal. The more righteous your husband appeared in daily living-e.g. higher the church calling, attendance at temple—the greater the fall.
…grief for my husband
…grief for our marriage
…grief for me
…grief for my children
Those around you will ask “Are you alright?” Recognizing your pain. The grief will feel like nothing you’ve ever experienced.
his death would have been.
Yes, I understand it may have been easier for you,
if he had died in a car accident.
View this Webisode: Why Pornography Shatter Relationships
But he is not dead … you will have to “accept” the truth.
5. Acceptance PROBLEMS: HIS AND HERS
In time you’ll realize you are NOT the cause of his porn problem. He is. However, you are responsible for your feelings and behavior. (See: The Gift: Between God and I) There are “HIS” problems- dishonesty, lying, deception, porn addiction, masturbation, etc etc. There are “HER” problems- depression, anger, confusion, and now codependence – enabling and rescuing etc etc.
You will need to learn and deal with “yours”.
There is hope.
There are a ton of resources.
You can do hard things.
CHALLENGE
Begin with HONESTY- Admit that you, of yourself, are powerless to overcome his porn addiction and as a result – for now your life has become unmanageable.
If you’re working a 12-Step Plan, you’ve just completed STEP 1. (See: S-Anon and LDS Recovery Groups for Spouses)
Recovery Story: Meet Kerry Spouse of porn addict
Hope, Healing and Dealing with Addiction
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